An American in Provence

Alain and I have decided to have an Emergency Chocolate System installed in our apartment.
Actually, it is required as part of our Husband Life Insurance Plan.

For those of you, in particular men, who don't know what I am talking about, I will explain it to you.
All the women already know what I mean, and don't need to read any further.

Gentlemen, are you married? Do you have a girlfriend?
If so, then you should really consider having one of these installed in your home.

I've heard that there is bill before Congress that will make it a law in a few years.
Ladies, write to your representative.

This is how it works:

1) Wife buys a chocolate bar and brings it home.
2) She gives it to Husband.
3) He confirms that he has received the chocolate bar. (A log book can be used for this, with the date, event, and signature of each party)
4) He then proceeds to hide the chocolate in a secure location, unknown to Wife.
5)When an EMERGENCY situation arises, Husband retrieves chocolate bar and gives it to Wife.
Obviously, this insurance policy is null and void if Wife hides the Emergency Chocolate herself, because it will not be available when the emergency situation arises.
7) Once the Emergency Chocolate has been consumed, the process repeats.

If Husband wants a back-up insurance plan as well as extra Good Husband Points, he should secretly buy another chocolate bar, and hide it in a second secure, undisclosed location.
(These secure locations are preferably rotated on a regular basis. If wife discovers a secure location, either by accident or by intentional Search and Rescue of Chocolate Bar, then the secure location must be striken from the list.)
Here are some suggestions for secure locations where the wife is guaranteed to never find the Emergency Chocolate:
Within the sack of cement powder
Under the lawn mower
Between weights for weight lifting bench

Emergencies depend upon the peculiarities of the wife, and include but are not limited to the following:
- That Time of the Month
- Bad Day at Work
- Yet Another Question of "When Will You Have A Baby?"
- Spent All Day at the Prefecture Because of My Darn Carte de Sejour
- Dealt With French Customer Service
- Your Mother Stopped By Without Warning
- Laundry Machine Stopped Working and I Had to Wash Everything, Including Your 20 White T- Shirts, By Hand, Then Wring Them Out in the Sink and Hang Them up to Dry

If desired, Wife and Husband can agree on a Secret Passphrase, which when uttered by the Wife, the Husband is obligated to surrender the chocolate.
Here are some examples of Secret Passphrases:
"Give it to me NOW!"
"I can either bite the chocolate or your arm. It's your choice."
"I've already torn the house apart and can't find it."
"No, I don't care that your favorite football team is playing. I need my Emergency Chocolate."
"I will self-destruct in five minutes and I will take you with me."
"I will give up the chocolate if you take on my menstrual cycle in exchange."
"You deal with your emergency situations by yelling at the soccer coach on TV. I eat chocolate. Deal with it."

A Home Security Alert Warning System can be implemented, akin to the National Security Level.
Orange- Husband knows he had better watch what he says.
Red- Sirens go off, flashing red light, the works.
etc.

Further suggestions?